by Neha

Following Trump’s re-election, emboldened MAGA men and sycophantic internet misogynists (although, that venn diagram could be a circle) wasted no time letting their hatred run rampant in celebration. Twisted phrases like “your body, my choice” — coined by far-right influencer Nick Fuentes on Twitter — and “repeal the 19th” are just two of many that spread like wildfire across social media in the days following. Although you could argue this sudden burst of misogynistic rhetoric after the election was nothing more than an internet fad or reactionary ragebait, I see it as a microcosm of the larger backslide in young men’s attitudes towards women in this country. 

Witnessing their attempts – both in media and in government – to dehumanize women and undermine our bodily autonomy has been repulsive, angering– but also strangely galvanizing. It’s shown me that the patriarchal society we live in was never meant to serve me, I’m meant to serve it. I feel as if this gave me the boost I long needed to reject the demands the patriarchy has of me.

Enter the 4B Movement*: a peaceful and largely anonymous lifestyle choice that involves saying ‘no’ to four things our society deems as crucial milestones for women (wherein men are involved): dating, sex, marriage, and childbirth. 

A shy, brown girl in a predominantly-white, conservative pocket in the southern suburbs of Texas, I discovered pretty early on that to the boys around me, I was more of a walking target for ridicule than ‘girlfriend material’. And although I was never really interested in romance in the first place, a yearning for male validation still gnawed at me growing up. I watched as my peers began whispering about their crushes in elementary school, then buzzing about dating in middle school, then planning homecoming dates and proposals in high school. All the while I was being bullied and ridiculed by the very boys they were gushing over. Many of my formative years were spent wishing to be someone I was not: someone White, pretty, and conventionally attractive. Dating, relationships, crushes were just things I felt like I wasn’t allowed to participate in, because I was only being othered, ostracized, and made to feel undesirable or less than my white peers by the men around me. I thought “as a woman, I need to be desirable; but since I’m not desirable, then I must be sub-human”. 

However, 4B has shown me that there’s a whole community of women out there who have severed the tie between male validation and their self-worth. It’s taught me that I don’t in fact have to base my self-esteem on whether or not I’m “dateable”. I no longer feel like I’m on the sidelines of a game no one’s allowing me to play.

From the on-line media we consume to the legislation that governs us, every aspect of society seems to enforce this idea that being a girlfriend, a wife, and a mother is pivotal to our existence, that it makes us whole. But I’m more than fine to just remain a daughter, a sister, and a friend. 

Footnote: 

*I felt the need to clarify that I reject any interpretation of 4B that promotes gender essentialism or the exclusion of trans women from the movement. I also believe the goal of the movement shouldn’t be gender separationism nor to alienate men from our lives altogether, but rather to encourage women to reject patriarchal expectations of us through quiet resistance, until our rights and bodily autonomy are no longer up for debate.